Don’t ‘Should’ All Over Your Day: Planning a Wedding That Reflects You
As the song famously goes, the Book Of Love has pages in it – So. Many. Pages. You see, marriages (or their equivalent) have been around for millennia now, which means that they’re a fairly traditional notion. However, just because you’re having a wedding doesn’t mean it has to be traditional – in fact, it doesn’t have to be anything you don’t want it to be.
I always encourage my couples to create a day that reflects them as people as much as possible. As a wedding planner in Scotland, I’m lucky enough to be working with more flexibility than in almost any other nation on earth, since you can get married absolutely anywhere that you can persuade an officiant to conduct a ceremony! But there’s more to creating a highly personalised wedding than choosing the perfect location. It’s about assessing each element of the day and whether it resonates with you; doing things because you WANT to, not just because you think you have to, or because it’s expected of you, or because everyone else does it that way.
Of course, it’s very easy for me to say this now, but when you’re faced with a to-do list of what feels like a million and one things to decide for the wedding and you want to start making some concrete plans, how do you put this in action?
Well to get you started, here are my top tips for creating a day that reflects YOU:
Ask yourself what your wedding priorities are
One of the first things you should do when wedding planning – after celebrating your engagement extensively, of course – is to sit down with each other and discuss what each of your priorities are for the wedding. Come at it from a place of education, not judgement, to see what each of you place importance on individually and as a team, and you can start to map out your wedding plans from there. And don’t worry if you learn something new about your partner that you didn’t know before. It’s entirely feasible that they’ve never even given a second thought to what they’d want for their wedding before, so how are you supposed to know?
When you’re making decisions, ask yourself “WHY are we doing this?”
I don’t mean “why are we doing this whole wedding thing?!” – hopefully the answer to this is because you love each other and want to celebrate that fantastic fact! – but at a more micro level, “why are we dedicating time/space/money to this thing?” The answer should always be “because we want to, and think it’d make our day even more epic”, not “we should”, or “because we have to.”
At the base of it all, weddings need 3 things: you, a register, and some witnesses (and a pen if you’re being a real pedant, but you get my gist). Now, you may be surprised by a wedding planner saying that – you might expect me to ramp up the pressure to have a massive bonanza with 200 guests and an entire performing circus – but that’s not my style. I firmly believe that everything else present at your wedding should be decided because you want it there – even your registrar should be someone you actively want to get married by, whether they’re a registrar, a celebrant or priest!
This isn’t to say you have to have a minimalist wedding, either. If you do want 200 guests and a similar amount of sword-swallowers, I’m very much here for that (and very much up for coordinating on the day) – but it just needs to be on your terms.
…and don’t just have things because they’re tradition!
Weddings are steeped in tradition, and as a result, most people will expect/assume yours will pretty much follow the usual template so to speak. If some of these traditions resonate with you as a couple then go for it and include them, but for those traditions which don’t sit comfortably with you, or perhaps simply don’t apply to your relationship? Chuck ’em, and create a narrative for your day which you’re both comfortable with.
Manage other people’s expectations for your wedding
Balancing the expectations of others against your own wants for your wedding can be tricky - even more so if a family member or parent is contributing to the cost of the wedding. In these situations, I recommend trying to reach a compromise and discussing openly and honestly why you don’t want to include the thing that they’re wanting you to include, or vice versa. More often than not, they’re just worried you’re making a mistake by going against the grain; talking through your reasoning can show them that actually, you’re 100% convinced it’s right for you.
But this doesn’t just apply to members who are helping you out financially; it can be well-meaning family and friends who are emotionally invested in you and your happiness with it too. Don’t feel awkward if they keep mentioning traditions that you’re not having – for example, if they keep asking you about your dad’s face when he’s walking you down the aisle (without knowing that you’re walking it solo) or they want to know what flavour cake you’ve gone for (even though you’ve already decided to just have a desserts table instead). Let them know you’re going for something different and, if you want to, explain why – then they can a) get excited for the alternative you’re going to introduce to them on the day and b) stop asking questions that make you feel bad!
Fin Flükra is Catrina Duthie, a wedding planner based near Stirling, with a modern approach to Scottish weddings, and an unrivalled book of creative contacts. Looking for some help planning your own Scottish wedding? Don’t hesitate to get in touch.